Buyer's "pre"morse?

I used to sit at home silently and wonder
Why all the preference in polishing the chrome
While all the mothers and the sisters and the babies
Sit and rot at home
Car Trouble - Adam & the Ants

This mother and sister has been sitting and rotting at home for far too long, baby.

Long story short: when you have a documented neurological impairment that causes you to wake up in a hospital with no memory of the past 3 days, it's difficult to convince the DMV that you are not a menace and should be allowed to drive.

New York State decided years ago that my history of seizures/TIA/neuropathy should and would bar me from having a drivers license. It sucked, but being a city girl at the time it wasn't a huge deal. I managed.

Now that I live in semi-bucolic bliss (uh huh) here in upstate New York, I really, really need to drive. And thanks to my doctor (and pages 34-37 of the Merck catalogue), I'm getting the chance! That's right, baby. New York is giving me back my driving privileges. Woohoo!

I have to go through the whole prelicensing process again - permit, 5 hour course, road test - which I'm hoping to knock out in a few weeks. And I also have to go (cue horror music) ...car shopping!

Once upon a time, I could do this myself. Once upon a time, cars were mechanical things with recognizable parts that could be removed, inspected, and replaced. Hell, I even did my own sheet metal work on a 1968 Mustang (with a little help from my boyfriend Bobby, who stole the road signs we needed to do do the work.) But today? Oh. My. God. What is all that crap under the hood???

Hubby and I went car shopping a couple of years ago, and that was pretty easy. Brand new vehicle, follow the maintenance schedule, and call the dealer or AAA if needed. The toughest decision was whether or not to pay the extra for the custom floor mats. (Our decision was no, but the dealer threw them in anyway. I drive a hard bargain, hoss.)

This time around I'm looking for a beater. I want to pay cash (no financing, no need for comp & collision!) and yet I want a car that will run decently. My husband is many things, but a mechanic ain't one of 'em. Let others carry a toolbox, he has a rolodex. In fairness, it's a Craftsman rolodex.)

Yesterday I set out with high expectations. Somewhere out there was my car, I just knew it! Under $2,000, with mileage not exceeding 50,000. A few years old. Sedan or hatchback, but sporty enough that I still look cool cruising to Chuck E. Cheese with my kids.

Alas, I am returned home, a downtrodden and disillusioned wreck (which coincidentally enough describes the car I'm most likely going to purchase.) Sigh. After test driving a couple of cars I really liked ("Holy crap, you mean $1,500 is the down payment, not the sticker price???" followed by "Yeah, I love the leather interior, and it looks smokin', but speaking of smokin', there's some funky smells coming from under the hood") I have decided that I am not destined to look cool any time soon.

My new front runner is a 1997 Chevy Lumina with a mere 149,000 miles. I may as well go whole hog and paint the freaking Chuck E. Cheese logo on the side of the thing. Or maybe I'll settle for putting a ball pit in the back. It's big enough.