They're the coin of deceit
A token that you take
in trade with a cheat...
Dennis Brennan--Lies
Monday morning pumpkin latte. Elvis Costello singing with Elmo on Sesame Street. No hangover. Kinda craving a start-your-week-off-right buzzer, but not gonna go there. Nope. No way. Nuh-uh. Nein. Nyet!
I've toyed with the idea of writing a second blog, a memoir of my darker, seedier days. But hell, I have no time to write this damned thing, so a second would just be silly. Besides, I'd eventually screw up, and tip my hand as to who I am. And that would be a very bad thing indeed. For me, and for many others :)
Today is crunch time. I have to make a decision about school. I don't think I can pull it off this semester, I am under far too much pressure. I could not have known when I started that my whole world was going to come crashing down on me. Well, okay, I probably should have suspected it might. I'm 44 years old. I've lived long enough and hard enough to know that another shoe is always waiting to drop. But I didn't expect the entire contents of Imelda Marcos' closet to come crashing down on my head this fall!
This isn't a woe-is-me post, though. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not giving up. I'm saying it might be time to rest, refocus, and regain my strength. Then I'll be ready to go again. Of course, it will be a lot harder next time, since I won't qualify for any aid. Hence the agonizing. Is it better to struggle, limp to the finish line with at best a C, and then bust my ass next semester? Or do I withdraw from the race and face a tougher battle when I'm in better shape?
Where the hell is my Magic 8 Ball?
Oh, hey, I'd like to send a shout out to my fan(s) in France! Not sure who you are or how you found me, but it's nice to see I'm getting some love from across the puddle. Of course, you haven't seen fit to comment, so... hmmm. I hope you're human, and not a bot. If I'm sending my love out to a bot, I'm just gonna feel silly.
On that note, I think it's time to pour my latte into a travel mug and drink whilst I shower.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Another day, another... yeah.
Midnight
And I'm a-waitin' on the 12:05
Hopin' it'll take me
just a little farther down the line
Juice Newton--Queen of Hearts
And, here we are again. I was tired tonight, so I thought I'd go to bed early. Lo and behold, my panic attack came ealier, too. Midnight this time, instead of 2 am. I'm not remotely surprised.
Actually, this one's not a panic attack. It's a sudden attack of acute anxiety. Every problem, deadline and concern jumped on my chest at once, demanding we find answers RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I, of course, handled this with the utmost style and grace. I hyperventilated for a few minutes, then cried, then puked, then cried some more. I am, if nothing else, a classy broad.
I'm also, believe it or not, somewhat optimistic at the moment. By panicking earlier, I'm thinking I'll then calm down and get to sleep a bit earlier, too. I don't have to be to work until noon tomorrow, so if I can fall asleep by 3, I can sleep till ten. Seven hours would be fabulous.
Okay, short blog it seems. I'm actually feeling sleepy, so I'm going to try this again. Wish me luck!
And I'm a-waitin' on the 12:05
Hopin' it'll take me
just a little farther down the line
Juice Newton--Queen of Hearts
And, here we are again. I was tired tonight, so I thought I'd go to bed early. Lo and behold, my panic attack came ealier, too. Midnight this time, instead of 2 am. I'm not remotely surprised.
Actually, this one's not a panic attack. It's a sudden attack of acute anxiety. Every problem, deadline and concern jumped on my chest at once, demanding we find answers RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I, of course, handled this with the utmost style and grace. I hyperventilated for a few minutes, then cried, then puked, then cried some more. I am, if nothing else, a classy broad.
I'm also, believe it or not, somewhat optimistic at the moment. By panicking earlier, I'm thinking I'll then calm down and get to sleep a bit earlier, too. I don't have to be to work until noon tomorrow, so if I can fall asleep by 3, I can sleep till ten. Seven hours would be fabulous.
Okay, short blog it seems. I'm actually feeling sleepy, so I'm going to try this again. Wish me luck!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Dysfunction Junction
You start to palpitate and the
jeep is shakin' the snake
Like a man upon the move for a
doll who doesn't hesitate
Manhattan Transfer--Blue Serenade
Ah, the morning after a panic attack. I feel like I've been hit by a train.
Taking stock, here. I feel like crapola, I look like crapola, and if you measured my weight in crapola, well, you'd have a lot of crapola.
Plans for today:
jeep is shakin' the snake
Like a man upon the move for a
doll who doesn't hesitate
Manhattan Transfer--Blue Serenade
Ah, the morning after a panic attack. I feel like I've been hit by a train.
Taking stock, here. I feel like crapola, I look like crapola, and if you measured my weight in crapola, well, you'd have a lot of crapola.
Plans for today:
- Hot, hot shower
- Make an effort with hair and makeup. I'm sick, I'm not dead.
- Go shopping for healthier food than the sodium-laced junk in the freezer.
- Get outside and, at the very least, walk around the block. Sick or no, I need fresh air.
- Take my medicine like a good girl.
All my friends are getting in shape, it seems. Running 5ks, doing Weight Watchers, feeling good and being active. Assholes. I thought we were in this together, you rat bastards.
Assuming I don't die getting dressed, I'll be back later with an update :)
OMGomgOMGomgOMG
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Talking Heads--Once in a Lifetime
This certainly sucks. Another 2 am panic attack. I really hate these effing things. But hey, I'm at least gonna get me a blog out of it this time. Well, after I go downstairs and get a glass of water, and maybe some Motrin.
Okay then. Ice cold water. Ahhhh. Please help. Please, please help.
Yeah, so, okay. This is a new development. The holy-crap-I'm-wide-awake-and-freaking thing... not loving it. Especially the fact that it's pretty much all my own fault. I'm screwing my life up royally these days. Can't focus on school, and can't seem to manage the million niggling details of being a working mom, wife, student, daughter, sister and friend. I'm constantly dropping one damn ball or another. Usually on my goddamned foot.
I don't know why I cannot seem to get it together these days. I suspect my number one problem is the lack of sleep. I have insomnia, and so do my two kids. A full night of sleep is a luxury I get to enjoy once every two or three weeks at best. So then I suck down gallons of coffee, shove crap food in my face all day, and then unwind with a bottle of cabernet at night. My health sucks and my mood is worse.
Now, let's add into the mix the fact that my dad is ailing, my brother is sick and staying with me, I can't find a sitter for my autistic daughter, there's never enough money to pay the bills, my husband's job is in peril, and I may end up having to move and I have nowhere to go... and okay, I guess a wee bit of panic is not the biggest fish I have to fry.
Oh, and I have pneumonia this week. Aaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!
Phew. Okay. Deep, cleansing breaths. There's a lot of good here, too. My kids are adorable. Kel is a terrific dad. I like my job. Tonight when I posted on Facebook that I was having a panic attack, two friends were right there to offer support. My family is a loving and supportive one. My health is not great, but it's not horrible, either. I am smart. I am resourceful. And as always, I have my bipolar disorder, which means eventually another round of mania will sweep over me and I'll get a lot of this shit taken care of. And I just ended a sentence with a preposition, and I've learned to be okay with that. See? Okay then!
My biggest salvation is this, though. Writing. As soon as I sit down and put pen to paper, or pixel to page, I feel a change within me. My heart stops racing. My mind focuses. My spirits lift. It is this that I am meant to do. I don't have to make a living at it; indeed, I don't think I ever want to make a living at it. It's my "me" thing. My happy place. God forbid it should ever become a means to an end, I think I'd lose my very soul.
Sooooo... am I ready for sleep yet? Let's give it a whirl.
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Talking Heads--Once in a Lifetime
This certainly sucks. Another 2 am panic attack. I really hate these effing things. But hey, I'm at least gonna get me a blog out of it this time. Well, after I go downstairs and get a glass of water, and maybe some Motrin.
Okay then. Ice cold water. Ahhhh. Please help. Please, please help.
Yeah, so, okay. This is a new development. The holy-crap-I'm-wide-awake-and-freaking thing... not loving it. Especially the fact that it's pretty much all my own fault. I'm screwing my life up royally these days. Can't focus on school, and can't seem to manage the million niggling details of being a working mom, wife, student, daughter, sister and friend. I'm constantly dropping one damn ball or another. Usually on my goddamned foot.
I don't know why I cannot seem to get it together these days. I suspect my number one problem is the lack of sleep. I have insomnia, and so do my two kids. A full night of sleep is a luxury I get to enjoy once every two or three weeks at best. So then I suck down gallons of coffee, shove crap food in my face all day, and then unwind with a bottle of cabernet at night. My health sucks and my mood is worse.
Now, let's add into the mix the fact that my dad is ailing, my brother is sick and staying with me, I can't find a sitter for my autistic daughter, there's never enough money to pay the bills, my husband's job is in peril, and I may end up having to move and I have nowhere to go... and okay, I guess a wee bit of panic is not the biggest fish I have to fry.
Oh, and I have pneumonia this week. Aaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!
Phew. Okay. Deep, cleansing breaths. There's a lot of good here, too. My kids are adorable. Kel is a terrific dad. I like my job. Tonight when I posted on Facebook that I was having a panic attack, two friends were right there to offer support. My family is a loving and supportive one. My health is not great, but it's not horrible, either. I am smart. I am resourceful. And as always, I have my bipolar disorder, which means eventually another round of mania will sweep over me and I'll get a lot of this shit taken care of. And I just ended a sentence with a preposition, and I've learned to be okay with that. See? Okay then!
My biggest salvation is this, though. Writing. As soon as I sit down and put pen to paper, or pixel to page, I feel a change within me. My heart stops racing. My mind focuses. My spirits lift. It is this that I am meant to do. I don't have to make a living at it; indeed, I don't think I ever want to make a living at it. It's my "me" thing. My happy place. God forbid it should ever become a means to an end, I think I'd lose my very soul.
Sooooo... am I ready for sleep yet? Let's give it a whirl.
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