OMGomgOMGomgOMG

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Talking Heads--Once in a Lifetime

This certainly sucks.  Another 2 am panic attack.  I really hate these effing things.  But hey, I'm at least gonna get me a blog out of it this time.  Well, after I go downstairs and get a glass of water, and maybe some Motrin.

Okay then.  Ice cold water.  Ahhhh.  Please help.  Please, please help.

Yeah, so, okay.  This is a new development.  The holy-crap-I'm-wide-awake-and-freaking thing... not loving it.  Especially the fact that it's pretty much all my own fault.  I'm screwing my life up royally these days.  Can't focus on school, and can't seem to manage the million niggling details of being a working mom, wife, student, daughter, sister and friend.  I'm constantly dropping one damn ball or another.  Usually on my goddamned foot.

I don't know why I cannot seem to get it together these days.  I suspect my number one problem is the lack of sleep.  I have insomnia, and so do my two kids.  A full night of sleep is a luxury I get to enjoy once every two or three weeks at best.  So then I suck down gallons of coffee, shove crap food in my face all day, and then unwind with a bottle of cabernet at night.  My health sucks and my mood is worse.

Now, let's add into the mix the fact that my dad is ailing, my brother is sick and staying with me, I can't find a sitter for my autistic daughter, there's never enough money to pay the bills, my husband's job is in peril, and I may end up having to move and I have nowhere to go... and okay, I guess a wee bit of panic is not the biggest fish I have to fry. 

Oh, and I have pneumonia this week.  Aaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!

Phew.  Okay.  Deep, cleansing breaths.  There's a lot of good here, too.  My kids are adorable.  Kel is a terrific dad.  I like my job.  Tonight when I posted on Facebook that I was having a panic attack, two friends were right there to offer support.  My family is a loving and supportive one.  My health is not great, but it's not horrible, either. I am smart.  I am resourceful.  And as always, I have my bipolar disorder, which means eventually another round of mania will sweep over me and I'll get a lot of this shit taken care of.  And I just ended a sentence with a preposition, and I've learned to be okay with that.  See?  Okay then!

My biggest salvation is this, though.  Writing.  As soon as I sit down and put pen to paper, or pixel to page, I feel a change within me.  My heart stops racing.  My mind focuses.  My spirits lift.  It is this that I am meant to do.  I don't have to make a living at it; indeed, I don't think I ever want to make a living at it.  It's my "me" thing.  My happy place.  God forbid it should ever become a means to an end, I think I'd lose my very soul.

Sooooo... am I ready for sleep yet?  Let's give it a whirl.